Up Late In Memory Lane

11:50

Not one pitch of sleep

Instead, I'm up reading old messages, e-mails

Reliving the past
or
A trip down memory lane

I dont know why, but whenever I'm feeling sleepless I open up these messages.
And they go a long way back,
months, maybe years,
 and I just love to read how the conversations evolved.

How friends became best of friends or
 how the friendship just suddenly
 evaporated into thin air.

How love was brought up in the tiniest of moments
and how it was shut down in the slightest of words

How hatred resolves itself in the thin space of the text

How I made decisions I'll regret

How I'll regret having these regrets

And so forth..

I read about the things I said about Boston
 and how I still use the same words to describe it.
How theres an endless need for me to get back there,
one way
or another...

I read my conversations with ex girlfriends
How did those happen? (...)

I read the stress in hurried statements
 about that giant project I had
 no idea
 was due the next morning.

I read about others
I read about school gossip
I read about myself
And how I've changed
And how I've stayed the same
And how I've been evolving
For the better?
Worse?
Who's judging?

I pay attention to the details
How quickly I'd answer some people
How delayed some were
How I was glued to this one girl
How she was never that into me

How I sent my first lyrics
And anxiously told her that it wasnt the best I've done
How I always seeked acceptance
How my hair was awkward when I was 12

But what I dont read
Or what I havent talked about
Is how I'm still sitting here
Every night
Every week
Every month
Contemplating the reasons why I do this
Why I read what I wrote
What others wrote
What other didnt write

Or maybe why I read what has happened already

Or maybe

What hasnt happened yet