String Tension

It's important that you know I tried
But it's tiring
Since when is underdoing enough
Since when is enough not doing enough

Things fall short of my attention
Because I want to be the string's tension
I want to feel the elastic pull
Loosening my threads
Severing my connections
I enjoy the pain
It is all for a good cause

Eventually I break
I rip in two, disassemble into twins
Of equal length
Of equal matter
Of equal function

And I restart
Pull
Pull
Pull

Midway hands stray on fingertips
Fingertips stray on thin air
And off they go
Rocketing to opposite sides
Colliding against the reality
That all things are halved
Nothing is whole

True Love

Lest you think you are less

Less will be all you are

It takes a moment to understand

But you play a role

You have a part

You build your character

The quotes and the dreams

Throw yourself in the spotlight

Can you spot the light?

So it seems...

Insecure little boy

Or a hardened old man

The golden old days

The touch of the sand 

Pay no mind to the stronger

They don't know what they say 

You'll be weak for a month

To be strong for a day 

Rip off the roots of all those

Who don't believe in your struggle

It's your life that's at stake

Not their time 

Not their trouble

But once you find one that stays

That'll soak up the blame

Hold on to that tight

Then hold all the same 

True love is elusive

But true love can be gained

True love is awarding
True love can be saved 

I thought I was a fool for thinking things are constant. What could go wrong? There were confirmation to all different outcomes, all of which resulting in a positive conclusion.
But now I seem like dead weight.
Am I getting too heavy?
Do you want me to be lighter? Until I weigh nothing?
No dark corner in your mind you don't want to evade to, only when the wrong time calls.
I went from being a routine to beibg demoted to an emergency call.
I'm wired to fit the need.
I'm unworthy of time and space.
And yet I'm here, having new days come with identical taste and texture of the one  before. The same sour dose of no sleep and midday worries.
Im ruining myself.
But the worst part is that I'm used to it.

Its 3:20am. Im shaking so hard I can barely find a comfortable position. Can't sleep, like always when she goes out.
I cant send her messages because it'll annoy her, and no one else is awake to keep me busy.
To make matters worse, an entire fortified army of mosquitos invaded my room and Im killing them as a pastime.
I realize now that this wont change. This is me for the next few months, every night, shaking in a cold sweat because Im scared. Its unhealthy, and a deja-vu I wish Id never have to experience again.
I feel like I stepped into a time machine and it zapped me back to a year ago. Same shit, different day.
Shes home now. 3:24am.
Still scared, the shaking went down to my legs and is slowly dying off.
I cant do this to myself.

I spent about three months in a standstill.

I couldn't comprehend the difficulty in being thoughtful.

Yeah, people are different. I might be an overreactive, provocative shit, but I'll never leave my house knowing it'll be stripping someone else's sleep. That's not being a teenager, that's being hazardous. You become a danger to the other person. You start to show them how much you think of them when you're out, and how little that might seem to them.

No one can stop you from living.
That's a fact, and it's both a blessing and a curse.
If someone told me to drop music entirely, to willingly swallow some sort of amnesia inducing pill and cause a complete wipeout of all my musicality for a good reason, I might just do it. Because music is temporary. Yes, it is my dream. But if my dream is causing pain, why should I be so deluded into thinking it'll be causing me any good? Its hurting someone else. That's all that matters.

Someone else is sleepless tonight.

Don't tell me there's nothing you can do about it.

Stop and think.

Is it fucking worth it...

Chapter One

Here's a guide through my head.

I know I'm not the only one.

It just so happens that I went through a relationship that had ruined my self-esteem. I got into the relationship thinking I was invinsible and was spit back out with the impression I'm below everyone else. Let's call this Chapter One.

The thing with me is that I want to do everthing possible to come out as the best person. I dont mind sacrificing my time or activities I like. In fact, I want to sacrifice something. To me, that's the confirmation for my significant other that I'd do anything for their comfort. In the small things, like asking first if it is okay for me to go somewhere, and in the big things, like seizing to act in a particular way, are all my way of showing I'm here to make it work.

And honestly, it doesn't kill me to spend a few seconds thinking of the outcomes.
Observe:

If I go to a place where there will be alcohol and women, I'd identify immediately the possible discomfort in my girlfriend. It's almost like 2+2 make 4. Alcohol and other women, in a place where no one is there for dancing, is an alarm within itself. So I take about thirty seconds to pull out my phone, send a text, and get my answer.
If the answer is "yes, that will worry me", done; I'm out and about back home or to anywhere else.
If the answer is "I don't mind", then great, no harm no foul.

What worries me is how few people do this.
How some people have the lingering thought that whatever they do is not reliant on the feelings of another person. That to me isn't "living life", it's utter inconsideration.
Because a party isn't something you can't live without. It's literally a few hours of drinking and talking with people. Sure, I have to understand everyone is different. But the small things, the "asking", make ALL the difference.

So then some people wonder why I'm constantly coming up with horrendous thoughts of things that might, but wont, happen. That's because I'm worried 24/7. I'm always drawing up a solution to problems, so that if and when it happens, I'm there. I'll be absolutely everything needed to fix the situation and carry on.

Why doesnt everyone want that?
Is it taboo to desire safety now?
It seems like people have conjured this death wish.

Therapy taught me that I'm built of high expectations. I am always going to be hoping that someone, somewhere, stops and thinks before they act. That means everything to me. Because it is, in its simplest form, the most powerful way of saying "Listen, I don't want to cause you any stress tonight."

Easy...isn't it?

Perhaps I am a 65 year old man trapped in this 18 year old body that I resent so much I've finally begun to translate my anger into physical activity.

That's another thing. People love being physical. You could meet the most amazing man on the planet, that won't promise you happiness but who will guarantee he'll never stop trying, in one form or another, you'd have eyes for the six-pack packed guy.

I get it. Humans are physically needy beings. But Jesus, is that all that we are? Sex crazed little shits that don't look beyond biceps and abs?

Fine. I gave in. My health was in poor state, so I started taking care of myself. But not out of some inspirational moment; it's sheerly because of anger.

Because I can't be as good or as thoughtful as someone else, because they outrun or outweigh me.

Is it fair? Hell no. For someone that gladly wakes up at 4 in the morning to be in a car for the next hour, sleep in the back seat, and drive back, the least of his worries should be his body. He is exercising his kindness and consideration, isn't that enough? Perhaps not.

But later on I realized no one is fair. No one will stop for a second and wonder how this will affect their significant other. Maybe thats caused by the terrifying fear of losing their sense of self. "I am a party girl. If I dont go to a party, I'm no longer me."

People show no room to comply with bigger things. They choose an hour of lust rather than an entire month of being half of a whole. Why? Is it because of commitment? Does it frighten some?

It doesnt matter. It seems to me that a relationship won't ever be 50/50. It's always a tip in the balance because one or the other will be trying harder to make things work. Because if it were 50/50, there would be no "forward", only a dead lever stuck on "full stop".

Fate

Let me begin
By saying I'm sorry
That I lack the tan
Or the ride to glory
Packed with packs
And iron-made arms
Lacking the mind
With intelligent charm
I might wing a rhyme
Or maybe two
But I'm not sure its enough
For someone like you
I have no gut for blood
Or speech for defense
No cubicled interests
My body's too dense
With motionless atoms
Created for you
But, here, change them up
From red to blue
I might not have the mind
To woo you with words
But I do mind the truth
And the truth simply hurts
That you're a timebomb
I'm firmly grasping
Awaiting the fate
But with love everlasting

21

It takes me 21 tortures
To put me to sleep
And another 21 dreams
To send me a leap
About 21 minutes before I can face
21 hours of standing in place
Those twenty-one street poles past my house
The twenty-one ways to leave my town
Those 21 songs I've listened today
And the 21 others set on replay
It's like 21 seconds isn't enough
To show 21 is not really so rough
But about 21 thoughts later I find
I'm 21 spots behind in your line
And then up and down, over and in
It's a tumble and rumble, a punch to my chin
And just when I think it's finally done
It's back to torture,
"I'm not number one"

The Truth

Pretending and demanding
These little creatures are
Hoping they have the strong hand
Or at least the ignorance card
To hit the full house
Or at least halfway there
Regardless of the situation
Regardless of who cares
And if its the dance that matters
The two up, one down
The lights become the painkiller
And the dancefloor; a playground
But in the overall
Back, back, after the blue shimmers
He sits and watches
The flirts and glimmers
Of the glitter
She threw on her face
To make her already angelic auora
Angelic in so many ways
And he cringes and clenches
His fingers and stances
His jawline fences
As she flutters around
This imposter and joker
Obnoxious and poser
Hoping the loner
Will lose his ground
And say something wrong
That'll drive her away
And hopefully then
She'll remember the way
Back to the back
Way after the blue
Way after the lights
Way after the hues
And find me sitting there
Not an inch to a side
Holding a cigarette
And
Waiting for her return
But barely wanting it

A trigger finger
With a constant linger
Of shooting first
And asking questions
Later

And a mindset
Of a life debt
If not always crossing
Names off

With the regard
To disregard
The emotional value
Of bigger things

But never worrying
About worrisome things
Those you make an effort
To throw yourself into the crossfire

Untitled

I started to realize that

It's a cycle

First comes the struggle

Then the realization

That love exists

And why hold it back? 

So down you go

Down the rabbit hole

And for the first few days

Its the fall that excites you

But after a few weeks

The dull ground catches you

Without regard for comfort

And there you lay until

Something props you up

And throws you back 

Limit

The first
Second
And third mock
Shine you a spotlight
Freeze your spot
Fool and an ounce naive
To believe
That their mouths would shut
When you went to sleep
But your stories are theirs
Try hiding the shame
One joke then another
Wont they quit with the claims
That your temper is quiet
As quiet as you
While you sit down and listen
The talks about you
Well what did you expect?
What did you think?
A definite limit
Should have closed up the links
And if you bite your thumb
Or contract your jaw
Its a "hold on there"
Or a "put down your claws"

.

It's heart-breaking to know some people doubt you. But I guess it's even more hurtful to watch them choose a path you know is more secure, and that in essence, they can talk down to you from the heights of their professionalism. I want to be a musician. And to so many people that hear that, they have the same involuntary reaction of widening their eyes, of letting out an "oh", almost as if they should feel sorry for me.
I understand them.
Music isn't a stable profession. I might make millions in a day or cents in a month, there's no telling what can happen. But somehow, I ceaselessly march on. I haven't even applied to any other college other than the one I believe I belong in.
It would make no sense for me to be anywhere else other than some music college.
Yet, I get thelingering thoughts...
I want to give my kids the same opportunities my dad gave to me. I want them to be comfortable in a home they can brag about, in a school they can be well educated in, and have a dad they can be proud of.
There is always going to be this chance of failing, even if we believe we can win, it wont go away.
Its there.
Always.

13

Perhaps thirteen minutes

Is all it took

For me to grasp

That I was always

1 percent

Away from being

All I could

And to you, 99% was not good enough

And in thirteen minutes

You shot that down again

From 99 to 1

And from 1 to 0

It's unfortunate to think that 

I could've listened more

Talked less

Understood more

Judged less

Believe me I tried

But I guess trying only equates to 99%

Never 100

Thirteen minutes

Thirteen hours

Days

Weeks

Months

It was an endless struggle 

To climb my way up

To the same level I set you in

But I guess I was always thirteen floors down

It kills me...

Knowing you are on the other side of a screen

Counting down from thirteen

I guess you were never too keen

On accepting that

It's best to have someone always

In a struggle

To be a perfect one-hundred for you

Than someone who never felt the urge

To climb from 99...

Silence.

Ive done everything
Ive pushed so many things off a cliff
For one person.
And I knew it was going to backfire
That appreciation isnt something
Constant.
I did too much
And now I have nothing
I am forced to sit and watch as
I am trampled over
And spat on
And then I have the audacity
To get back up
And continue playing that fool
That walks through fire
And swims through ice
For what?
For this
For a blank face
For silence
For nothing.

Break

Being gumball sticky
Wasnt the way to go
As paced and paced
To and fro

Its something other than hoping
That she'll believe in a chace
I hope that song isnt slowing
In the midst of the dance

Yet its not up to me
But if I could have her know
That this love is persistent
This love wont let go...