I thought I was a fool for thinking things are constant. What could go wrong? There were confirmation to all different outcomes, all of which resulting in a positive conclusion.
But now I seem like dead weight.
Am I getting too heavy?
Do you want me to be lighter? Until I weigh nothing?
No dark corner in your mind you don't want to evade to, only when the wrong time calls.
I went from being a routine to beibg demoted to an emergency call.
I'm wired to fit the need.
I'm unworthy of time and space.
And yet I'm here, having new days come with identical taste and texture of the one  before. The same sour dose of no sleep and midday worries.
Im ruining myself.
But the worst part is that I'm used to it.

Its 3:20am. Im shaking so hard I can barely find a comfortable position. Can't sleep, like always when she goes out.
I cant send her messages because it'll annoy her, and no one else is awake to keep me busy.
To make matters worse, an entire fortified army of mosquitos invaded my room and Im killing them as a pastime.
I realize now that this wont change. This is me for the next few months, every night, shaking in a cold sweat because Im scared. Its unhealthy, and a deja-vu I wish Id never have to experience again.
I feel like I stepped into a time machine and it zapped me back to a year ago. Same shit, different day.
Shes home now. 3:24am.
Still scared, the shaking went down to my legs and is slowly dying off.
I cant do this to myself.

I spent about three months in a standstill.

I couldn't comprehend the difficulty in being thoughtful.

Yeah, people are different. I might be an overreactive, provocative shit, but I'll never leave my house knowing it'll be stripping someone else's sleep. That's not being a teenager, that's being hazardous. You become a danger to the other person. You start to show them how much you think of them when you're out, and how little that might seem to them.

No one can stop you from living.
That's a fact, and it's both a blessing and a curse.
If someone told me to drop music entirely, to willingly swallow some sort of amnesia inducing pill and cause a complete wipeout of all my musicality for a good reason, I might just do it. Because music is temporary. Yes, it is my dream. But if my dream is causing pain, why should I be so deluded into thinking it'll be causing me any good? Its hurting someone else. That's all that matters.

Someone else is sleepless tonight.

Don't tell me there's nothing you can do about it.

Stop and think.

Is it fucking worth it...

Chapter One

Here's a guide through my head.

I know I'm not the only one.

It just so happens that I went through a relationship that had ruined my self-esteem. I got into the relationship thinking I was invinsible and was spit back out with the impression I'm below everyone else. Let's call this Chapter One.

The thing with me is that I want to do everthing possible to come out as the best person. I dont mind sacrificing my time or activities I like. In fact, I want to sacrifice something. To me, that's the confirmation for my significant other that I'd do anything for their comfort. In the small things, like asking first if it is okay for me to go somewhere, and in the big things, like seizing to act in a particular way, are all my way of showing I'm here to make it work.

And honestly, it doesn't kill me to spend a few seconds thinking of the outcomes.
Observe:

If I go to a place where there will be alcohol and women, I'd identify immediately the possible discomfort in my girlfriend. It's almost like 2+2 make 4. Alcohol and other women, in a place where no one is there for dancing, is an alarm within itself. So I take about thirty seconds to pull out my phone, send a text, and get my answer.
If the answer is "yes, that will worry me", done; I'm out and about back home or to anywhere else.
If the answer is "I don't mind", then great, no harm no foul.

What worries me is how few people do this.
How some people have the lingering thought that whatever they do is not reliant on the feelings of another person. That to me isn't "living life", it's utter inconsideration.
Because a party isn't something you can't live without. It's literally a few hours of drinking and talking with people. Sure, I have to understand everyone is different. But the small things, the "asking", make ALL the difference.

So then some people wonder why I'm constantly coming up with horrendous thoughts of things that might, but wont, happen. That's because I'm worried 24/7. I'm always drawing up a solution to problems, so that if and when it happens, I'm there. I'll be absolutely everything needed to fix the situation and carry on.

Why doesnt everyone want that?
Is it taboo to desire safety now?
It seems like people have conjured this death wish.

Therapy taught me that I'm built of high expectations. I am always going to be hoping that someone, somewhere, stops and thinks before they act. That means everything to me. Because it is, in its simplest form, the most powerful way of saying "Listen, I don't want to cause you any stress tonight."

Easy...isn't it?

Perhaps I am a 65 year old man trapped in this 18 year old body that I resent so much I've finally begun to translate my anger into physical activity.

That's another thing. People love being physical. You could meet the most amazing man on the planet, that won't promise you happiness but who will guarantee he'll never stop trying, in one form or another, you'd have eyes for the six-pack packed guy.

I get it. Humans are physically needy beings. But Jesus, is that all that we are? Sex crazed little shits that don't look beyond biceps and abs?

Fine. I gave in. My health was in poor state, so I started taking care of myself. But not out of some inspirational moment; it's sheerly because of anger.

Because I can't be as good or as thoughtful as someone else, because they outrun or outweigh me.

Is it fair? Hell no. For someone that gladly wakes up at 4 in the morning to be in a car for the next hour, sleep in the back seat, and drive back, the least of his worries should be his body. He is exercising his kindness and consideration, isn't that enough? Perhaps not.

But later on I realized no one is fair. No one will stop for a second and wonder how this will affect their significant other. Maybe thats caused by the terrifying fear of losing their sense of self. "I am a party girl. If I dont go to a party, I'm no longer me."

People show no room to comply with bigger things. They choose an hour of lust rather than an entire month of being half of a whole. Why? Is it because of commitment? Does it frighten some?

It doesnt matter. It seems to me that a relationship won't ever be 50/50. It's always a tip in the balance because one or the other will be trying harder to make things work. Because if it were 50/50, there would be no "forward", only a dead lever stuck on "full stop".